I recently participated in a qualitative research study where I paused throughout my day to take five pictures of things or situations that related to my recurrent pregnancy loss. I’ll likely share my pictures and my explanations with you at some point in the future, but before that, I want to start something called “Music Mondays”.

As I discussed my pictures with the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss Association, I came to an almost bitter realization- I could take a picture of literally anything and explain how it relates to my losses. When you’re living with recurrent pregnancy loss, everything connects to your losses (this may not apply to everyone living with RPL, but I’d imagine that it’s safe to assume that this is true for most of us.)

This realization has prompted “Music Mondays”. I think this will be a good way to provide insight into how the world looks and feels to someone living with RPL. I hope that this will help those fortunate enough to not experience RPL understand how it truly changes you.

For our first Music Monday, I want to share the song that inspired my tattoo. In case you haven’t seen it, here it is (inside of my upper right arm):

I’ve always been a fan of The Hush Sound. My best friends and I would listen to them in my (parents’) minivan as we drove between each other’s houses in high school. Their song, We Intertwined, has always been a particular favorite of mine.

When Sam and I were taking time off from work to grieve our first loss, We Intertwined came on Pandora. Having just learned we were losing our first pregnancy, the lyrics didn’t feel the same way it did in high school. Now I feel that We Intertwined is clearly about miscarriage. Even more specifically, it’s about our miscarriage(s). Don’t believe me? Keep reading, I’m going to break it down for y’all!

Click here to watch a lyric video of We Intertwined by The Hush Sound

“In a field outside of town, we could always be alone…” Sam and I spend a lot of time outdoors, usually fishing or camping. We’ve even found an island on the Wisconsin River we can kayak to and spend a couple of nights. We spent a weekend there shortly after our wedding and called it our “honeymoon”.

“Innocent was a key, I was locked up never free, until you turned me” This speaks to how Sam and I have grown up together, having met when we were 20 and 19 respectively. There’s also a sense of physical intimacy to this line, but that’s all I’m going to say about that.

“Like vines we intertwined, carelessly growing up and growing old” In addition to again growing up together, this is exactly how Sam and I decided to begin trying to conceive, by “being less careful”.

“Life was on our tongues, it tasted heavenly, so good” Being pregnant is beautiful and exciting. Even when I’m worried about losing the pregnancy, I hold onto how good it feels to have life growing inside of me.

“I wake up, and I feel alone, I was just asleep. Right where I belong, inside this sad, sad song” Recurrent pregnancy is so incredibly isolating… it’s a sad song only a handful of us are forced to listen to.

“I knew this was a dream, it was too good to be true. Coincidences were a bit much too” Being pregnant is a dream, recurrent pregnancy loss is a nightmare.

“Who wants to wake up? Who wants to lose it? Who wants to live in this place? I don’t, so I’ll be sleeping in” Life can be so difficult and painful, living with recurrent pregnancy loss. Some days, it feels easier to just sleep through it.

[repeated chorus and instrumentals]

“Blankets here keep me from cold, holding tightly my pillow” I’ve screamed my grief into my pillows. The tears my blankets have seen could flood rivers (okay, not literally, but you get the point).

“…Frantically searching for her, inside my head she is somewhere…” It’s so strange to one day be pregnant and the next day not be. You wonder where your baby went and why it had to go. They’re somewhere…somewhere.

[repeat chorus]

Your interpretation of lyrics can change depending on where you are in life and what you’ve experienced. For me, living with recurrent pregnancy loss has changed everything.