Instead of going through the lyrics like I did last week, I think you’ll better understand this song from my perspective if I tell you the story of when I first connected this song to pregnancy loss.

It was during our fourth pregnancy/miscarriage- the roller coaster weekend where we learned that our HCG numbers were appropriate on a Friday but then started spotting on Saturday. We had spent that weekend with Sam’s family in the house his sister rented for our Christmas get together.

Instead of going home on Sunday, Sam, my brother-in-law Pat, and I stopped by their grandparents’ house to help them pack for their upcoming move. I’ll go into all the details about that weekend and loss here soon, but for now, let it suffice to say that this particular Sunday was one of the most difficult days I’ve ever experienced. Helping someone move is a pain in itself, but when you add a layer of “I think I’m miscarrying for the fourth time”….it was absolute hell.

On our drive home, I held my stomach and prayed that everything was going to be okay. I begged God to let us get to keep this pregnancy; I begged God to let me get to hold this baby.

That’s when Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls came on the radio.

As you’re probably aware, Iris was written for the movie City of Angles. If you know the plot of the movie, you probably have a pretty good understanding of what the song’s lyrics mean. But even with a song that was written for something so specific, the emotions that come with grief and longing are fairly universal. Whether you’re an angel that has fallen in love with a human or if you’ve experienced a miscarriage, grief is grief and longing is longing.

And now, experience this song from my perspective. Imagine yourself holding your stomach, hoping your fourth pregnancy makes it full term. You know, deep down, that you’re likely miscarrying, but you’re still holding on to the small shred of hope that things might work out this time. Maybe, somehow, this time will be different. Imagine singing this song to the life inside you, the life that you’re sure you’re losing, but you hope will stay.

“And I’d give up forever to touch you
‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later, it’s over
I just don’t wanna miss you tonight

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know, you’re alive

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am.”